Thursday, October 04, 2007

Stages of Ill-Repute

This post shall endeavour to explain the mysteries of facial hair, and the direct correlation between its length and the bearer's overall sketchiness.

Let's begin, shall we?

In essence, it is a simple equation. As the number of meetings and appointments decrease, the propensity to shave decreases, and consequently, the Scruffiness ratio, or ScruffR™, increases. In extreme cases, it was discovered that the consecutive number of days without social interaction was inversely proportionate to shaving.

This invariably leads to a state similar to the one depicted below:

Curiously, after a certain level of scruffiness has been achieved, the desire to shave skyrockets. We have dubbed this "curiosity shaving" as the individual is only interested in shaving certain areas. See figure three:

Bizarrely, this state of being somewhat scruffy (or, as we have identified it, somewhat shaved), is the catalyst for a temporary insanity or dementia. With his new facial hair, the subject, for reasons as yet unknown, takes on the mannerisms of a stereotypical Mexican gangster. Lab personnel report the subject repeatedly muttered under his breath the phrase "i'm gonna cut you, esé."

Thank God there was a client meeting today. I'm just saying. And, for the record, it was way worse than the last time I posted about this.


David said...

wait, you're NOT a mexican gangster? Well shit. And I here I was planning our big heista. You let me down man! I HATE YOU!!! *sobbing*

johno said...

Love these sketches. Perhaps you can illustrate something for iLT some time.

Sarah said...

My cousin wrote a great little piece on this.

Also, Gabriel, insane and noon-o'clock shadow genius that he is, said Amy, you keep telling me to shave, fine, I'll shave--but only where you would normally grow a beard. Amy, after looking at her bf with hair coming out of his neck and off his cheekbones into his eyes, broke.

On another note, my friend Q said that our London friend M, looks like a pedophile with facial hair. M argues the chicks dig it.

I've always thought stubble may get you *a* kiss, but if you want me (at any rate) to continue kissing you, shave you motherfucking face. Plus, that way, you are never ever out of fashion. Forever.